|A picture by my son.|
Lately I have thought a lot about people from my past. Some people I was absolutely sure would never leave my side because they were there whenever times got tough. No matter what, I could count on them. Then I get to a place in my life where I have less and less to complain about... At least when it comes to the opposite sex, and my friends seem to have disappeared. I give up after so many unanswered texts, emails, etc.
Granted, I know I've changed a lot. I'm realizing that I'm a lot more of an introvert than I ever previously thought, (could have to do with being a Rabbit too). Being newly single for the first time since I was a teenager meant I had a lot of growing and learning to do in a very short amount of time. I drove MYSELF crazy so I can't imagine how I must have sounded or appeared to others. Then I met a man who understood me and made me feel better about myself in a way I couldn't have anticipated. I'm slowly learning how to slow down and prioritize my life better. I'm overwhelmed by having been in survival mode for so long in order to do what I choose to with my life instead of having someone else delegating what I should be doing but it has been worth it.
Maybe some people just get tired of seeing me spinning my wheels and need to separate themselves from me. Maybe the fact that I remain positive and determined no matter what my hardship is annoying. Maybe I'm not angry enough anymore and refuse to exhaust my energy on anything that doesn't produce GOOD. Maybe I've changed more than I realize. Maybe the fact that I believe in accountability and refuse to blame or criticize is frustrating. I keep trying to break unhealthy cycles and I suppose that means I won't connect with the same people anymore.
This entire process has left me feeling much lonelier than I felt around my last Birthday. This is in no way a reflection on my personal relationship. I had actually never felt truly lonely except for when I was in a relationship with someone who didn't truly love me. I loved being single and I believed that if I just happened to fall in love that wouldn't affect my friendships as deeply as it has. Maybe it's assumed that if you were visiting with me I would only gush about my beau but honestly, I feel so good and comfortable with where I'm at I no longer feel the need to go on and on about any of my current endeavors as if I'm trying to make sense of it or validate anything.... Except, of course, for the shift in old friendships... That was unexpected and for months I've been trying to make sense of it. I bring it up so much to my partner that I actually asked him if it was getting old and he said, "No! It's healthy to want a life and relationships outside of this one!"
I suppose that since my Birthday is coming up I'm going to reserve the right to finally articulate the hurt in my heart as I move forward with all my current endeavors. People will respond if and when they want to and I can't make it about me so much! *Sheesh!* So for my Birthday I wanted to say this... But mostly to see my son. I miss him desperately. It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!