Honey, Horses and Mugwort

As I brew my special cup of Sunday morning coffee infused with cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger and clove I ponder the stillness Sunday mornings bring and how creativity seems to be born from a place of stillness. When we are still long enough to tune in to our natural rhythm new ideas and insights are born.

Stirring raw honey into my coffee pulls me into a gentle trance and I begin to miss my dreams from the night before. You see, when I was a little girl we had horses and I dreamt about riding a horse that was gifted to me most of the night.

My mother broke and raised horses in the years before she met my father and she taught me how to ride. As early as 1st grade I knew how to ride bareback with no reins! Throughout my life my parents bred Pit Bulls to Yorkshire Terriers and they were Falconers for a few years. I have had various birds, cats, dogs, hamsters and iguanas and none of these experiences came close to what it's like to have a horse love you. There is a free-spirited companionship that is unmatched.

My mother had an Arabian horse named Alfie who's coloring was similar to this one. - Lily James from the set of Cinderella -Image captured: https://therefractedlight.wordpress.com/tag/forgiveness/

Trust is something that can't be convinced or manipulated with words but created and built with actions, behaviors, and energy. You both have to learn to get to know one another, how the other thinks and where the boundaries lie for both of you. The fruition of this partnership is intoxicating. The rush you feel when you lower your body and nudge the horse in a way to let them know they can let loose as if they are free allows you both to feel free. You feel the exhilaration of this animal tapping into it's truest power and wild potential with grace and ease. I remember moments of shutting my eyes in order to process the intensity of the experience and opening them only to realize I had nothing to fear but loss of control over myself and knowing when to manage any changes in speed or movement which is what the horse trusted me to do. This taught me the beauty and ease of a working partnership better than anything. I remember feeling like I was betraying or punishing the poor soul whenever I would put a saddle on him for competitions or practical riding. Later in life I took up body building as another form of body meditation and to channel that burn you get in your thighs after hugging this magnificent creature for hours at a time. It wasn't the same but it was fulfilling in its own way.

So after all these years why did I dream about a horse being given to me by one of my beloved mentors from previous years? I was able to jump on the horse bareback, no reins and we took off and I was swept into my memories from childhood. When the horse and I weren't together I was naked and vulnerable but no one noticed or cared. Some people were naked too. People were everywhere and I just wanted to get back to my horse and release him from his containment. I was so frustrated it woke me up. This is what happens when you experiment with Mugwort essential oils before going to bed - VIVID dreams. Do not expose yourself to any Mugwort if you are having nightmares!

I Forgot My Heart

There was a New Moon on Saturday June 4, 2016. You may or may not have noticed. Before the New Moon I read 'NEW MOON in Gemini + Grand Cross June 4th 2016~' thinking that regardless of how accurate this stuff is I could be more aware of where the overall focus and energy will be. I still wasn't prepared. I discovered just how disconnected I have been from my heart for quite some time.

The lesson I was faced with was to revisit my past for one day. See who I was, and how easy it could be to fall backwards when we haven't acknowledged our heart. You see, I fall victim to my own intellect. I use my logic to protect my heart and to try to make sense of my inner knowing and I neglect my heart. I spent Sunday exhausted and thinking only of how much I had denied my own heart the honor of mourning the pain of a tremendous loss of a love that had evolved beyond my preconceived expectations. My logical brain has completely made peace with it but this weekend my heart needed to feel heard and feel heard only by me.

If you haven't completely healed something, if you're avoiding something or armoring yourself it will come back and you will be forced to face it until you can no longer deny anything about how you once felt, or how deeply you have been affected. It just won't go away until you face it. You may feel raw, vulnerable, like you've been split open and all you know how to do is bleed, but it has to be done.

Oddly enough, a former instructor and someone I consider a mentor posted this image on Facebook: 

She recommended this as part of understanding the mind-heart-body connection. Someone else summarized the book by saying, "The main take away for me from this book was that one should let their heart guide their brain and not the other way around." So obviously I'm adding this book to my immediate wishlist. 

In Chinese medicine I'm a Yang Earth and the expression of Earth is singing. Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah came on my Pandora today and I have decided that my new favorite healing dream is to be able to sing this song somewhere dark where you can't see the audience because of the bright light. It would be terrifying but so exciting. Isn't it funny how much peace you can get my exploring things that scare you but you know you need to do them? Once you do you have peace and a new layer of healing has completed.

Ex-Almost

I will never be your ex because you have to be something before you can be an ex-something.

I may have meant or been some thing to you but I was never your something and now we are nothing.

Creative Cleanse

survive vs. createby ~HarlowPhotography

A few months ago I challenged myself to commit to days of writing for 21 days in a row as part of an assignment for my Psychology of Addiction class in an effort to learn how to replace an unhealthy habit, (procrastination), with a productive one. I learned more from my "relapse" than my actual writing because I realized what it was that would make me procrastinate. I was so proud and excited that I went 33 days after starting over (post-relapse) of writing consistently. What I realized during this process was that it wasn't enough time to gain a greater idea of my greatest passion. Or maybe it proved that I have multiple passions and I just need to figure out a way to integrate them into one cohesive mix. I mean, I am the glue but what does that mean for me and my future?

The other day I came across this blog, Creative Rehab: The Beginning is Near where she made a commitment to create something every single day for 365 days in an effort to cleanse herself of the past and work towards her future while remaining present in recognizing the beauty in each day and documenting it.
     

      They say you have to vomit first, vomit your demons and your rage, your mediocre beasts, vomit the sinner and the saint and all duality, vomit your ego and your bruises, ’til the house gets so clean, there’s nothing, no one left—but you.

     Just like we detox our body from years of malnourishment, and we agonize as all the toxins in the underworld say their goodbyes and leave our system, so it is the case not only with our minds but with the way we face our lives. Our modus operandi for anything is the same as for everything.

Alright, fair enough but it seems all I have done is purge and the more I purge the deeper the layers seem to get so it seems to me that at some point it's time to begin rebuilding new layers. It seems reasonable to know when you're ready to do that without sacrificing the work of detoxing, right? I mean, if I was going to do a physical detox I would still nourish my body with healthier foods and supplements so why not begin nourishing my mind, heart, and spirit with nourishment? 

Another thing I need to remember is to be patient with myself and my journey. There was another excerpt from the above mentioned blog that really struck me:

      Didn’t we, as children, have to crawl before we got up on our feet? Crawling is one of life’s mandatory and most necessary homework assignments. So get over your adult lies and down on your knees. The floor is beautiful. 

That's the thing though, I was never allowed to crawl as a baby! I was punished if I touched the floor and was forced to learn to walk at four months. Imagine how that affected how my brain developed... No wonder I have spent my life trying so hard to skip the steps and growing impatient and remaining lost and confused during the crawling phases... I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO CRAWL!

So my main goal with this project is to learn how to crawl. I am constantly grasping for solid objects around me to stabilize and support me because I was never given the opportunity to learn about and develop my core strength; no wonder I'm all over the place! This is my chance so I'm taking it. What better way to harness my focus and talents than by doing what I love most and am most passionate about, art and creative expression!

 I will commit to an image and writing around a minimum of 75 words a day unless I take the picture, then I will keep the words simpler. I will document this journey on my Tumblr account as I believe that it's the most appropriate setting for this type of a project. I figure I'm less likely to relapse since I would have to start over with 365 more days ahead of me! Yikes! I guess starting now means my last goal was effective in working out my procrastination issues. Ha! 

May the force be with me!!

Mystification of Boobology

Boob Mouthby ~AxeField

I recently wrote a blog about the fascination we have with breasts... at least from my personal experience and perspective, (read Are Your Breasts Real? to get caught up). I have to say that the reason I decided to write about the importance of breasts in our society - the final straw so-to-speak was the article, It's 2013, and Women Are Still Their Breasts. The writer spends a lot of time criticizing Justin Timberlake's video, Tunnel Vision, (the version I linked is the explicit version). My main issue with the video is that he's singing to one woman, (or so it seemed to me), and has multiple dancers; however, the dancers are all built like his wife who I'm sure appreciates the artistic expression behind JT's videos since she's an artist herself in her own right. The author of the article expressed concern over how this type of entertainment affects society and its view of women. Does she have a point? Sure. But I think that there are people who are going to exploit whatever a person creates or does to express themselves in order to suit their own agenda. Take the Bible for example, how many versions and interpretations of these ancient writings are out there? And we're going to throw a fit about a music video that in my opinion is pretty artistically done. And to insinuate at the end of the article that there are bully, woman hating men using women as an inside joke is ridiculous. If that were the case, the writer wouldn't have so much to say about it in the first place.

I have a feeling the dancers in JT's video got paid well for their appearance in the video. Who am I to say that they aren't embracing true womanhood or their inner "goddess" by choosing to participate in this video? How is it that the assumption is made that the men involved in this video were the only ones with a say on who was in the video and what they did? Are we assuming that women have no choice at all? It seems to me that this assumption is more dangerous than a woman appearing nude by choice in an artistic endeavor. If I was one of those dancers I would be thrilled to know that the female form was being celebrated in such a tasteful way, (because for a popular music video, this is the most tasteful way to introduce full nudity I have ever seen). When I see this video I see an appreciation not an exploitation but maybe that's just me and the fact that I don't see the need to assume the worst in everything.

 I wanted to give another extreme of how breasts are used to "manipulate" society, (hypothetically assuming that's what is actually happening). Is anyone watching what's going on with the female members of FEMEN? These women are being thrown in prisons for protesting topless; they use their breasts to make a statement. Are they a little extreme? To some, yes but they know the power of breasts and they're using it to their advantage, (at least from their perspective). I am not interested in getting into the political details of this topic I just want to prove a point; everything has exactly the type of meaning and the amount of value that we give it.

I understand the power of seduction and I know the difference between being seductive, sensual, and sexual. Maybe the problem our society really has is that the common assumption is that these are all the same but they are not which takes me back to a vlog and blog I posted on my website about sex and intimacy, Is Sex The Worst That Can Happen? Instead of focusing on the media and entertainers, why not spend that energy on empowering our children? Or educating anyone who will listen the value of "the dance" within attraction, the artistic beauty of the human form, what intimacy truly is as well as what sex is and what it isn't.

In summation, I am a bit mystified by some women that assume other women do not appreciate or respect their bodies just because they make different choices with them. Maybe the choices are from a lack of respect but criticizing it certainly isn't going to give them self-respect and what if your wrong and a woman loves and respects her body so much she feels confident showing more of it than others? How do you know the difference? Do you even need to know the difference? And lastly, it's foolish to start bashing on men regarding this, that's only going to perpetuate a whole other pattern that isn't healthy. If we as women want to be respected than we need to respect ourselves and one another and give men a reason to respect us and stop whining and playing the victim.*

I will leave you with this video released of a young girl who is brave enough to appreciate her own beauty and self-worth despite what her family has planned for her. If an 11 year old girl can take responsibility for her own life, (even though she shouldn't have to), how much more so should we as adults be doing the same and stop crying about how other people express themselves and exhausting energy into criticizing other people who aren't likely to change but instead take responsibility for our own lives and bodies and be an example to our children and other people... After all, actions do speak louder than words.

*As someone who has suffered abuse and victimization I can say with confidence that I am obviously speaking in generalities and any cases of abuse, manipulation, exploitation, and the like are not included in my argument.

Are Your Breasts Real?

Mechanical Breasts...by ~cruelcouture

This may surprise you but I actually appreciate when someone asks me this question because to me it means that they aren't willing to speculate or gossip but respect me enough to ask me directly. I usually respond with something like, "Yes, my breasts are real and so are the saline implants I have inside them." What is "real" anyway? And I'm not simply asking that question as a Matrix fan, I really want to know what real means to you. Do my breasts define how genuine of a person I am? 

Once I'm asked this question I soon begin to wonder if women who have had to have breast reconstruction due to fighting breast cancer get asked the same question and what it must be like for the person asking to hear that this woman has implants because she went through the trauma of losing her breasts to cancer. I mean, fighting the trauma of breast cancer is something everyone can get behind, support fighting, and declare as a trauma that needs to be dealt with but what about those of us who have known traumas that are quieter than breast cancer? Trauma is anything that overwhelms our system whether emotionally, physically, psychologically, etc. so who's to say that one trauma is more valid to get treatment than another? Now in NO WAY am I belittling dis/ease or illness such as cancer, I have lost loved ones to cancer. Cancer is a terrible disease and I am simply using it as an example of how our society can be selective about what traumas it rallies around. Do we judge women differently for choosing to get reconstructive surgery or not when they have experienced any kind of physical trauma?

I felt deformed after I breastfed my infant for 10 months. I felt deformed and struggled with feelings of shame and inner conflict wondering if it was worse to be what others would view as vain or even "slutty" by getting implants or to just live my life struggling to feel good about my body and wearing the scars of motherhood proudly because I knew that this would be a life long struggle... You see, when I was a little girl I was in an accident that had mutilated my body in a way that made doctors turn away and refuse to treat me for eight years so all through puberty I felt deformed and ugly. No one could see my scars or the damage from the accident but the scars were there, externally and internally so my puberty was riddled with this trauma defining me along with being a general outcast for being "ugly", "skinny like an Ethiopian", "weird", "nerdy", "hairy", having "four eyes", and just plain different for reasons I don't need to list.

I was just getting comfortable with my body as I awakened as a woman for the first few months of marriage before finding out I was pregnant seven months into my marriage. After breastfeeding my infant for 10 wonderful months I stood in the mirror looking at these empty and useless bags hanging on my chest at the age of 21... These empty sacks looking like week old party balloons no one took down off the wall when the party was over, I was right back in my childhood all over again and nothing anyone else would say to reassure me helped.

When my son was seven I finally was brave enough to get breast augmentation and I began to feel like myself again. It's alright if you don't understand why this was so important to me, I don't need you to understand. What I do want and the reason I am bringing this up is because breasts have been in the news a lot lately, or at least, I have been hyper-aware of it lately. Breasts, (on women anyway), are commonly seen as a definition of how sexually proficient a woman may be and I can say from experience, if a woman isn't confident in her breasts it may have an affect on her sexual satisfaction at no fault of her partner, (although partners are frequently blamed, I believe women ultimately hold the power and control over their orgasm but that subject is for later).

My next blog will have some examples/comparisons to demonstrate how revered breasts are in our culture along with why I wonder if this power is a "good" thing, a "bad" thing, or something that has as much value as we give it as individuals and society. Follow this blog or subscribe anonymously by email to see the examples and join the discussion as it's posted. In the meantime, ponder how important other women's breasts are to you, how often you have labeled or judged breasts and why. And please feel free to share your opinions on why you think breasts are so important to our culture in the comment section below.

Breastsby ~shadylady91

There is either Fear or Love

We can live in fear or we can live in love. Which will you choose for 2013?

You're Perfect

lust by ~4ewerFairy - deviantart.com

"You're Perfect" 

There was a time when my skin crawled hearing that phrase. I was used to hearing it from men that barely knew me with the goal of conquering me in some way and believed that I would be gullible or desperate enough to swoon; or even worse, the words would come to me from a man who didn't love me the way I loved him but would text those words to me only when filled with desire and longing for me for a fleeting moment but would never actually making me feel that way in person, always leaving me in want. My resistance to hearing these two words directed to me was compounded by years in a marriage filled with expectations that were impossible for me to live up to and the consequences of my inadequacies.

I'm apart from the man I love right now, a good man...
a man that loves me back...
a man that doesn't string me along or punish me when I'm human...
a man that knows when to love me and just how much...
a man that knows when to make love to me and how hard...
a man that has known me for over a year; has seen me at my worst, my best...
a man that knows my strengths, my challenges, and my darkest secrets and loves me anyway.

This man sent me a text tonight and it said, "You're Perfect". For the first time I saw those two words from a man who doesn't worship me, he doesn't put me on a pedestal, he doesn't put expectations on me, he just loves me and waited over a year to say, "You're Perfect" to me and for the first time I truly felt it... Perfect.

Being Happy and Feeling Successful

Recently I wrote the articles, If You Want Positive Change, Begin With Gratitude and 10 Tips to Happiness on Examiner.com.  In the above video I wanted to share some of my personal experience with the results of having the awareness I discussed in my articles and using the tips I name as a means to begin living the life I know I deserve.

Please feel free to share your own lessons and tips!

My Mom

My Mom at 16

For Examiner.com I had to write a Mother's Day article under their guidelines and I am beginning to realize that I have a lot of writing to do and a lot of ideas but the writing that no one sees is my best writing so I save it... I'm just not sure what for yet.

On this Mother's Day I find myself alone.  Circumstances have me separated not only from my own mother but from my son as well and the pain of not seeing him is so great I'm not prepared to write about that so instead I am choosing to write about my own mother.  My mother and I have had our differences, a novel's worth to be sure but the older I get and the more time I spend apart from my own child the more I understand and appreciate her.  It breaks my heart to think of all the times her and I were at odds when really all she wanted was what she believed to be what's best for me.  Her passion and intensity were always out of love and the older I get and the more I see the same passion and intensity in me, the more I understand it.  Today I want to list my favorite things about my mother, the things that I believe helped shape me into who I am today and I don't think I'm half bad.

My mother is an artist.  I do not use the word "artist" lightly.  My mother is creating no matter what she is doing.  Never have I seen her spend any extended amount of time just seated without something in her hands.  I grew up with art books sprawled out on the floor full of images of the human anatomy or masterpieces by all the great artists throughout history.  As I got older she taught me how to model as she used me multiple times for some piece she was currently working on.  My mother has successfully accomplished virtually every medium of art there is from stained glass, to oil painting, to sculpture.  She drove herself to learn everything and when she knew she had perfected it she taught herself something new and hasn't stopped to this day.  Her ability to self-teach landed her a position teaching sculpture for a college.  There was a time when I compared myself to her and thought of myself too inadequate to try anything even though she urged me to do so and praised every creative effort I ever made.  Now I have embraced writing as my personal medium so as not to compare myself to her, have my own individuality and use her example of dedication to keep improving my craft.

My mother kept life interesting.  I grew up with some new interest my parents were into all the time.  They raised Pit Bulls when I was a baby and some of my favorite baby pictures are me lying on top of one with a bottle.  We raised Yorkies when I got older.  They became falconers and for years we had Red-Tail Hawks, Harris Hawks, or Kestrels as part of our family.  This was in between all the other pets we owned from rodents to cats and birds.  I have often wondered just how much having all these interests in our lives enriched mine and my little brother's lives even now.

My mother is strong and she believes in me.  My mother has such a strong will that I'm not even sure she realizes how powerful it is.  Her ability to be in tune with everything all the time made her appear to be aloof to those who don't really know her.  Even though I could see how she could be misunderstood I knew better.  She has a drive that is so strong and so intense that it keeps her constantly yearning to learn and better herself.  She is so in tune with everything around her that she can assess a situation almost instantly leaving little need for conversation.  I see myself becoming more and more like this as well and work hard at not being as misunderstood as my mother always was because times have changed and I had to live single during years she was still happily married in her own life, which brings me to my next point...

My mother is devoted.  No matter what issues my parents ever faced, there was never a question of my mother's devotion and loyalty to my father.  Her strength of conviction may be misunderstood but there was never mistaking how in love with my father she was.  As I grew up I watched her dote on him and comfortably express how completely in love and fulfilled she was by him.  Sometimes it would be uncomfortable for us kids but now I see how she felt.  She was brave enough to push through any ideas others may have had on how to love or how to show it and she was completely herself with my father.  She just loved him.  Recently she expressed her love for him to me in private in a way I never thought possible coming from her.  I realized that she had also worked hard at keeping the mother/daughter relationship very clear and she rarely ever opened up but in that moment, I felt closer to her.  She was honest with me.  She trusted me with a vulnerability I had never seen in her before and I actually respected her even more for doing so.

Mother's Day doesn't have the same meaning for her that it does for most people so I am careful about how I express myself with her, but here I can tell her just what she means to me.  I do my best every day to live up to the example she set as a woman and a mother and learn from her mistakes exactly the way she would want me to.  She may not agree on my choices but I know with absolute certainty that she feels pain whenever I do and she loves and continues to have faith in me.  I hope someday she'll understand just how much I do appreciate her.  My mother's beauty will always remain unmatched in my eyes.

For My More Personal Side...

I adore Tumblr.  Tumblr is like Instagram on crack.  Images, videos, and quotes are the theme and it's quiet there.  Because of my business, I try to utilize every major Social Media and Blog site so I signed up for Tumblr and post my most personal images and blogs there.  You are invited to follow me on Tumblr and I look forward to following you back!  Click here: Diary of a Wandering Muse

Thank you!

Not All Birthdays Are Happy

A picture by my son.

Lately I have thought a lot about people from my past. Some people I was absolutely sure would never leave my side because they were there whenever times got tough. No matter what, I could count on them. Then I get to a place in my life where I have less and less to complain about... At least when it comes to the opposite sex, and my friends seem to have disappeared. I give up after so many unanswered texts, emails, etc.
Granted, I know I've changed a lot. I'm realizing that I'm a lot more of an introvert than I ever previously thought, (could have to do with being a Rabbit too). Being newly single for the first time since I was a teenager meant I had a lot of growing and learning to do in a very short amount of time. I drove MYSELF crazy so I can't imagine how I must have sounded or appeared to others. Then I met a man who understood me and made me feel better about myself in a way I couldn't have anticipated. I'm slowly learning how to slow down and prioritize my life better. I'm overwhelmed by having been in survival mode for so long in order to do what I choose to with my life instead of having someone else delegating what I should be doing but it has been worth it.

Maybe some people just get tired of seeing me spinning my wheels and need to separate themselves from me. Maybe the fact that I remain positive and determined no matter what my hardship is annoying. Maybe I'm not angry enough anymore and refuse to exhaust my energy on anything that doesn't produce GOOD.  Maybe I've changed more than I realize. Maybe the fact that I believe in accountability and refuse to blame or criticize is frustrating. I keep trying to break unhealthy cycles and I suppose that means I won't connect with the same people anymore.

This entire process has left me feeling much lonelier than I felt around my last Birthday. This is in no way a reflection on my personal relationship. I had actually never felt truly lonely except for when I was in a relationship with someone who didn't truly love me. I loved being single and I believed that if I just happened to fall in love that wouldn't affect my friendships as deeply as it has. Maybe it's assumed that if you were visiting with me I would only gush about my beau but honestly, I feel so good and comfortable with where I'm at I no longer feel the need to go on and on about any of my current endeavors as if I'm trying to make sense of it or validate anything.... Except, of course, for the shift in old friendships... That was unexpected and for months I've been trying to make sense of it. I bring it up so much to my partner that I actually asked him if it was getting old and he said, "No! It's healthy to want a life and relationships outside of this one!"

I suppose that since my Birthday is coming up I'm going to reserve the right to finally articulate the hurt in my heart as I move forward with all my current endeavors. People will respond if and when they want to and I can't make it about me so much! *Sheesh!* So for my Birthday I wanted to say this... But mostly to see my son. I miss him desperately. It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!

Thoughts On Love

I found this website through Pinterest:  Tinsel & Twine.  I found this to be an especially inspiring way to look at love and the evolution of it... whether marriage is involved or not:

For couples that aren’t particularly religious, there are any number of beautiful and equally poignant readings to share during your ceremony. Like — one of our personal favorites — this excerpt from Captain Corelli’s Mandolin:

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”

I believe that we can always have periods of our relationships where we feel more "in love" than at other times but that doesn't make a long-lasting love any less valuable.  Love is more than a word or feeling but something we must continually practice.  The more we practice it the stronger it can remain.

SEE My First Blog On A New Website!

I am very excited to be part of this project at SEEstories.com!  

Please check out my first post on their website: Take The Time To SEE With Me.

I would love any feedback my readers want to offer me along with article ideas and recommendations.  

Follow my Facebook Fan Page, Twitter, or my Google+ Page to keep current on my recent ideas and ramblings.

Thank you!

Starting Over

I decided that I need to video blog ideas more because I just do not have the time to write.  I used to blog on another Blogger site but that feels like the old me and now I want to be present and future focused instead of focusing on the past so much.

I know I'm not the only one either so I will encourage feedback from anyone watching or listening as long as it is respectful and productive.  I get very excited thinking about the conversations that can start when I throw topics "out there".  Follow me on my Facebook Fan Page, Twitter, Google+, or here.  Thanks!